Disney Wonder Baby

2006-09-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

By now, you know I'm crazy.

However...

I was super duper crazy to think I could maintain two blogs.

AND be a mom to an active preschooler AND be pregnant AND be a working mother AND somewhat of a decent wife.

Alas, I need to eliminate one of my time suckers. This blog must go. As much as I loved a pregnancy only blog, I just don't have the time to main it any longer.

Sorry to make you do this, but if you want to continue reading me, go here.

Which is: http://www.maemidwest.com

I couldn't get rid of Mae. She's a force that cannot be stopped!!

My stats for this page show only about three hits per day anyway. Maybe you three will come to the dark side and read Mae from here on out?

Thank you so much! I will be following your journals and posting as Mae.

2006-09-26T14:54:00.001-07:00

20 weeks today- the half way mark has been hit!

And of course she hasn't moved in two days. Or rather, I haven't felt any movement. I got out the doppler and had a panic attack when I couldn't find her heart beat. I struggled for 10 mins. Then I gave up, walked around a bit, and tried again. Oohhhh.. I wasn't over to the right far enough. That's always my problem. I avoid the far right whenever possible. Heh.

OB appt on Thursday. Anomoly scan the following week. We fat chicks get our scans much later, for fear the fat will block a clear image of the baby. When in reality, we were getting clear images a month ago. Whatever. I just smile and nod, smile and nod, have another piece of chocolate, nod some more.

More updates when this headache goes away.

2006-09-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

2006-09-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today we had to take the cat to the vet. My 2.5 year old was beside herself with joy. She sat in her car seat while the cat sat in his carrier in the seat next to her. He yowled, she screamed with joy, "His meow makes me laugh!"

We go out of our way to see our friend who is a vet. The whole drive was spent with him howling with fear and her howling with delight. By the time we got to our exit, my ears were ringing and my nerves were rattled.

I said to my husband, "Where's the mute button?" He said, "This is a preview of what will happen after February, you know." I said, "I'm very very very frightened."

The baby will scream, my daughter will probably scream back at her to be quiet and I will be silently screaming in my brain. You see, that is the dark side to motherhood that no one talks about. Sometimes your cuddly bundle of joy gets on your last damn nerve. And it doesn't mean you love them any less.

Forunately, there are more bright sides than dark sides to motherhood. I just wish people had talked about the dark sides before I gave birth. I wish I would have had a realistic expectation of what was to come. Especially after infertility. How can something you wanted so badly flatten you emotionally and bring you to tears? You tried so hard for so long for this miracle,what kind of mother are you if you don't enjoy every second? When there are people out there still struggling. You should never complain! Always be grateful!

Well, yeah. You're grateful. You know you're so damn lucky. But the reality is that motherhood is not the hazy lensed dream sequence 24 hours a day.
There are trying times, too. No one talks about those. I do, because it's a release for me as I figure out what the hell I am doing! BUt know it doesn't mean I dislike motherhood. I'm a motherhood realist now. It's much easier this way.

This afternoon gave us a video worthy moment. My daughter requested to put on her princess outfit and for her daddy to put on his Pirate Daddy outfit. She then asked for us to put on the Barenaked Ladies so she and daddy could dance around the living room. They held hands, dancing the twirling while I video taped. She asked for the song, "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" over and over and over again. I have this great shot of her coming up to the camera and saying, "Pease play Lovers in a Dangerous Time." Then she stared into the camera and said, "I'm so gorgeous!" I watched them in fascination. I never get tired of watching him being a daddy to her. I may get tired of the screaming and tantrums and the NO NO NOs, but I never get tired of the love we share.

And that's motherhood. It's up, it's down, and it's worth every moment.

A girl's best friend

2006-09-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched this fluffy special about New York society babes. The It Girls of high society and why we should care.

Society girls must be career girls now. It's not enough to just be rich and fabulous. You also have to spend day and night working your ass off to prove that you are more than just a member of the lucky sperm club.

The ladies were complaining about the long hours and the hard work. "We don't just get manicures and our hair done these days. We work day and night building our companies."

I was on the couch going, "What, are you out of your f-ing mind??"

How many of us would WORK if we had a bank account worth billions??? Go to an office and deal with morons all day long? No, I'd rather get my hair done and nails done and shop, thank you! A lifetime of leisure? Sounds FANTASTIC!

Eh, I'm just saying... how nice would it be to wake up and not deal with all the BS I deal with as a working/stay at home mother. 30 bill in the bank and no huge responsibilities looks mighty sweet to me.

ANYWAY

So I turned off the TV and went to bed and wouldn't you know that I had erotic dreams about those shi shi poo poo bitches?

Er... ladies. Nice, lovely, ladies.

Whatever. Don't mind me. I'm just some crazy woman who blogs. I don't claim to be nice or sweet or politically correct. I don't speak for women everywhere. And quite frankly, I find the syrupy sweet female bloggers downright boring. Women can be flawed, and yes, we sometimes can be crude. I'm just someone who says the things you're probably already thinking.

ANYWAY, there is a pregnant angle to this post! Since this IS the pregnant blog and all.

Whenever I am pregnant, I have the dirtiest, craziest, perverted dreams. Sometimes I wake up and go, "Damn, I'm nasty!!" Other times I don't want to wake up, the dreams are sooooo gooooood.

Last night I dreamed that I was a lover to several of the society girls. And they rewarded my mad lovemaking skillz with lots and lots of jewelry.

I was more turned on from the diamonds than the sex. The "scenes" where I had carte blanche at Harry Winston? Orgasmic!

I have now forgotten what most of those ladies looked like. But the ruby and diamond bracelets? I see each line and each facet in sparkling detail.

It's not me! It's the baby!!

Use that line as often as you can, my friends. As often as you can.

Take A Chance On Me

2006-09-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

Look, I know scrapbooking doesn't SOUND cool. A bunch of ladies hanging out at a crop and assembling photos with cute little sticker embellishments. I know, I know. It sounds lame as hell.

But it's fun!!

Did I lose cool points?

Let me tell you a story that will earn those cool points back agian.

So I go to a crop where the hostess invited a bunch of people she didn't know. And they all showed up. Guess what the crowd was like? All women, natch. All die hard Catholics except for myself and for two other ladies present. Two polyamorous, bisexual ladies.

I sat there at my table thinking, "Oh this is going to be gooooood."

The poly/bi ladies did not disappoint. For some reason, they wanted the room to know where they stood with their political/sexual beliefs. It was all, "I'm hooking up with this girl tonight, I was with this one couple last night/ my husband' s boyfriend is coming to town next week." Details were shared.

The silence from the other ladies was deafening.

And here's me, giddy with glee. I just love it when worlds collide and people keep the peace. To their credit, the Catholic girls didn't utter a word. I didn't understand why the poly/bi girls had to enter the room and immediately inform everyone of their sexuality. There' s a time and a place for the crazy sex talk and scrapbooking photos of your baby's picture with other stranger ladies doesn't seem the time. Then again, I'm a boring old hetero, so what do I know?

Anyway, my point to all of this is that I started to think about friendships. Do we always go for people similiar to ourselves? Or do we like to challenge ourselves with other unique perspectives? Is that too hard on a relationship? Is it just easier to hang out with others who are almost clones of ourselves?

I dunno- I've been pondering the whole friendship thing a lot lately. My brain is too fried from a morning with a crazy toddler to get any deeper than this. Forgive me.

However, I can keep the friend theme going for a bit longer.

I was contacted a few weeks ago by a woman who reads this blog. She pieced some info together and realized we were from the same area. I also found her listed under the same month of due dates. Both of us with a fertility treatment background and around the same age. Would I be interested in meeting sometime? And bonus- her friend, also from a fertility background and now pursuing adoption, wants to come along.

We met this weekend. It was fantastic! There was an immediate acceptance that doesn't usually occur so quickly in this area of the country. I felt I would be welcome in their circle, quirks and all. I didn't need to be a clone, I just needed to be me.

Sometimes good can come from these blogs. Quite often, it's hard to reach out like this. It's hard to put yourself out there and be judged and wonder how your words will be received. With all my negative experiences on the OTHER blog, I seriously considered ending blogging forever. Now I'm so glad I didn't let the assholes who don't "GET IT" get ME down.

I'm excited to know what adventures await!

Home Sweet Hell

2006-09-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ooh here's a huge benefit of being pregnant this time of year.

You don't have to winterize the landscaping.

We middle classers do that kind of thing ourselves, you know. No landscape companies come around and trim down our rose bushes and pull out all the dead flowers and shoot eye daggers at the neighbor next door who lets his weeds climb the fence into our yard. Since this is the Midwest, if it's green, it's a growin. Everywhere.

Most of the people in our hoity toity neighborhood hire people beautify their outdoor spaces. Or they are wealthy stay at homes who have all the time in the world to doodle about in the yard.

I just don't care that much.

Ok, wait. I care in the spring. That first warm day when I walk outside and go, "YEAH YEAH, I want roses here and cosmos here and quick, let's go to the gardening shop!"

By July, everything is dead, fallen over, and covered by water grass.

So right now, my darling husband is outside, doing all the work for me. The landscaping is usually my domain. My husband doesn't know a rose from a dandelion. He took over yard duties the second I got pregnant. And it shows.

Then the mosquitos came out and it was 1 hundred million degrees day and night and the yard went even futher into Crapsville. Our neighbors are beside themselves. Didn't you know your LAWN IS EVERYTHING. Pour all your money into items you can't eat! And items you can't enjoy because if you do, you'll get eaten alive by flying insects.

Also, most people in my 'hood have a postage stamp sized yard. Our house sits on two lots, so there's a LOT of yard to deal with. While I like landscaping, I don't like it THAT much. AND I cannot afford to trick out my yard in the way that these people feel it should be tricked.

I'd rather spend my money on sensible things. Like designer handbags.

There's this lady down the street who has the typical postage stamp back yard. She has it filled to bursting with flowers, plants and statues. I swear, it looks like a cemetary memorial shop. I know that lady would do anything to have our yardage. Think of all the statues she could buy! Why yes, she IS the same lady who hung up a happy birthday sign on her back fence, complete with balloons, FOR HER DOG.

Oh, get this. I once saw another neighbor vacuuming his lawn.

I'm not even joking.

It's that nutty around here.

As I type this, I see my husband with his iPod on, scratching his goatee and looking blankly at a flower bed in front of him.

I need to get out there before he saves the weeds and mows down the rose bushes. Again.

The power of the Lesbionic Mother

2006-09-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

You know how you found my blog? Through that due date list thingie?

Edit- that would be http://babyblogorama.net/

Not officially called the, "due date list thingie." Forgive me, S.

Someone was talking to me about that list the other day. She said, "Have you noticed how many lesbians are on that list?"

I replied, "Yeah, isn't it great?"

The person just shrugged.

I continued, "Know what's even cooler? When a lesbian couple is listed under the same due date as an anti gay right winger. Cuz you know that nut job is going back to the list and going, "I cannot share my due date with... le.. le... le... LESBIANS!"

I totally support lesbian couples as mothers and here's why.

1. These are women who had to go out of their way to get pregnant. Invest thousands and thousands of dollars. Lots and lots of painful procedures. Lots of time. These are not couples who got knocked up in the back of a pick me up truck and then said, "What are we gonna do now?" These are couples who TRULY want to be parents. And I think couples who go out of their way to be parents make some of the best parents out there. I think couples who had to struggle a little bit (or a lot) also make the most appreciative parents. But that's just me and I'm always right.

2. Women are wired to be the caregivers. We have all those freaky hormones running through us at all times that make us want to put up with whining, clinging, demanding little creatures. Whereas- how many guys do you know who cannot get enough of whining, clinging, demanding women? Millions of years of evolution have made most women the primary caregivers in a familial situation. Add two women to the mix and you have double the parenting power.

3. Have you ever read the True Wife Confessions blog on Blogspot? How many confessions per day are from women posting about how their husbands never have time or want to spend time with their children? Nuf said there.

4. TWO MOMS! How much would I give for TWO MOMS? Oh and bonus- make them two doting JEWISH mothers and I'd be in heaven, baby. HEAV-EN! My mother plans on taking a vacation right around my due date. See where I'm coming from here? If I had two Jewish lesbians mothers, not only would they NOT vacation on my due date, but they'd have me propped up in a roomful of pillows and surrounded with tasty treats and even push the remote for me when I needed to change channels during my entire third trimester.

5. You know how the Bionic Woman was this sexy, strong, powerful crime fighter? I like thinking of two moms as Lesbionic Mamas. Five hour colic crying sprees at 1am? Blowout diapers that cover the entire crib? Projectile vomit all over you and the brand new couch? There's nothing the Lesbionic Mamas can't handle! Maybe they'd even get their own cool synthesized running theme music when dashing across the room with a soaked burp cloth.

Two people in love who want to start a family and give that family all the love they can.

Sounds like the kind of people I'd want around my children.

That's why I cringe whenever someone gets negative about the "lesbians on the due date list."

I'm proud to share my due date with any of you ladies!

Oh, and if you hear that Mom and Mom Finkelstein want to adopt a 35 year old drama queen from the Midwest, you let me know.

PS I have been asked to reveal the identity of my "other" blog and let me tell you, I'm THIS close to doing so. Maybe I will make this the pregnancy only hideaway blog and the other blog will be.. well, you'll soon see. Let me mull this over a bit.

2006-09-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hey loookeee me. 18 weeks and still pukin my guts out. Still tired as hell. Still cranky.

But still pregnant.

And that's all that matters!!

Another side effect of pregnancy- Pelvic Rest

2006-09-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning and my husband informed me that he had a sex dream about me last night.

I am both confused and conflicted. Here's why.

1. I'm flattered he's still hot for me, deep down into his subconcious. I question his sanity, but I'm still pleased.

2. Why did he waste a good dream on ME? I mean, if you are gonna have a hot sex dream, go for carte blanche! The hot chick on the bus. Um, if there is such a thing. Ok, how about the chicks who jog around the park wearing tight Tshirts and NOT wearing jogging bras? Bouncie bouncie bouncie! You could do ANYONE in the WORLD and you choose your WIFE? What's wrong with you, man?

3. Which made me realize that it's been way too long since my husband "got some" and we should correct that situation immediately.

4. Damn, I'm still on pelvic rest due- ie, no sex. Demonstations of affection performed orally? I gag when I speak these days, so cross that off the list. Seriously, horrible side effect to have, gagging while speaking, especially when you speak for a living. Hello Mrs. Hand? Get flexed up and ready to go!!!

5. NO wonder he's dreaming about his wife.

The side effects of pregnancy

2006-09-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Can my boobs GET any bigger?

Cuz if they do, just put me on tour with a circus freak show. I'm about to topple over.

My breasts enter a room before I do.

I catch a reflection of myself in the sheen of our vehicle's paint job and I go, "HELLO DOLLY!"

My husband picked out a new bra for me today. Mainly because I was too damn frustrated to do it myself. How am I supposed to know which one to buy? UNderwire? Strap support? Cross Your Heart and hope to die?

I always buy the same bra. Just My Size seamless. White. Slightly padded. Just My Size because, oh honey, the last time I was a 32b, I was going to prom. White because I thought you were supposed to wear white bras under white shirts. Turns out that's a huge NO NO and all the bitch fashionistas at the Zoo were pointing and laughing! Pointing and laughing at my bra lines, I say! And then I pointed back and laughed at their stappy stiletto heels. Strappy high heels for a day at the Zoo! Who's the starved for attention whoooore now? And slightly padded because no one needs to see my nipples poking out through my Tshirts.

I'm not Jennifer Anison on Friends.

So now I need a tan/beige bra. And I need it to fit my ginormous boobahs. And it needs to have a wide back because I'm actually a Linebacker for the Denver Broncos. And it has to be slightly padded for both our sakes.

Oh give me a freakin break. Just grab one and let's go home!

I love bra shopping as much as I love touching the door handles of public bathrooms. OH SO MUCH!

Yeah, I know I need to go to Boobies R Us and have an expert measure me and fit me and blah blah blah. But that takes effort. And I'm lazy. I'd rather let my boobs sag down to my knees than be fitted for a proper bra.

Yes, I do realize I have issues. Many, many issues.

So my husband found a bra and it was the right bra and then he found a second one and it was the right one, too. And we bought them and then when we got to Barnes and Noble, I changed into the new bra. Yeah, right there in the Cook Book Section. Noooo, in the bathrom. While my preschooler pointed and said, "That's where the baby drinks!" Then lifted her shirt and pointed and said, "That's where the baby drinks, too! Are you going to take your pants off, too?

No, because we don't need to see where the baby will come out, now do we?

OH for crying out loud. The cup size was STILL too small. I'm in augmented stripper territory here and it's still TOO SMALL.

For real- I have to enter double digits???

If have to carry this load around all day, then the least my ta tas could do is to make some extra money. You know, to cover the expense of buying a bra in triple digit sizes in the first place.

Oh? Who's that on the phone? Jugs Magazine? Why of course they are.

I'm going to take that call...

2006-09-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

Look at me! I'm a bloggin fool lately. I feel the need to spew forth my nonsense. blah blah blah

Soooo when my Little Diva was about 13 months old, I got really sick of staying home all the time, staring at her and having her stare at me, and both of us rolling our eyes and wishing for something new to stare at. I trolled the online boards, looking for a decent mom's group. None were found. Most were filled with women you'd have to poke in the side to even tell if they were still breathing. Borrrrrring. Snoresville.

I did what I always do. I started my own thang. I stole the most interesting ladies away from the current groups. I went to toddler functions and befriended the women who seemed the most alive. And I formed the ultimate parenting group.

The demographics would be late 20s-40s. Solid middle class to upper middle class. Women who had careers before having children. Stable relationships. Active participants in their children's lives. Aware of the effect their children have on others. Urban dwellers, but open to ladies from the surrounding areas who didn't fear coming to the big bad city. We ended up with a group of ladies where no two were even slightly alike. What's shocking is that everyone gets along.

As the group grew, so did our demographics. We now have dads and nannies. But not one lesbian or gay couple. And that saddens me. We have style obsessed divas and chilled out hippie mamas and everything in between, but no representatives from the gay community. I don't know how to change that. I see couples at Trader Joe's and Whole Foods and I want to run up to them and say, "HI, I just looove what you're all about, and raising children, too, so damn cool. Please be my friend!" Yeah, because I love frightening people. And there's nothing a lesbian couple loves more than someone pointing out that they stand out in a crowd. Sheesh.

And WHY do I only see the hip lesbian couples at grocery stores that sell high priced organic food? Why don't I see them at the dented can store, where 5 bucks gets you three cases of suspicious looking cereal from Mexico? Lesbians know the secrets to living a long and healthy life.

ANYWAY, so the parenting group. It's active. Very active. We're always somewhere. Every day, we're somewhere with our babies or toddlers. That's us, taking Toddler Botany at the Botanical Garden. Why yes, they DO offer such a class. Sounds nuts, but it works. Or that's us, at the open swim for babies and little ones at the local rec center. Then we have lunch. We have playdates. We have birthday parties. Dinner parties where kids are welcome.

As I write this, it sounds so hoakey. But it's actually really cool.

And it's odd for me, since I've never been a gal's gal. I was the one drinking beer and eating chicken wings with the boys. Explains my rockin bod, hah hah. To have so many female friends is just so alien to me. But I like it. I see the advantages. And I see the disadvantages. Women are more sensitive than most men and I have to be careful about how I phrase things or approach certain situations. Sometimes it's this delicate balancing act to keep us all together and running smoothly. But it's nice. And it sure beats staying at home by ourselves all week long.

And THAT is what I do all day long. My September calendar looks like, as my mother often says, "A chicken ran across it!" Each day has something fun for us to do. Toddler classes start up at all the museums next week. Winter open swim for toddlers begins as well. I go all morning, then she naps, and then I sit here and read YOUR blogs. Then in the evenings, I lock myself in the studio and I make some money. On weekends, I work some more if needed. Then we go to all the attractions and run her around. Or we get shopping and errands done. It's simple, it's sweet, and it's perfect for this phase of my life.

That's my life. What about you? That's your blog challenge today. Yes, I am challenging YOU to talk about your day. Talk about your weekends. What do you do for fun? How do you spend your time? Leave the info in your blog or in the comments. I look forward to reading your stories!

Why yes, I AM a bossy thing!!

2006-09-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I have another blog. It's one that has caused me much angst over the years. It became somewhat well known and eventually built up quite a large readership. How the hell did that happen? I'm just so darn charming, awww.

Most well known bloggers are professional writers or should be professional writers. Not me. Oh, did I even need to tell you that? Because, wow, I thought I was ready for my book deal. Heh. I write like I speak. Which is odd- because I make my living from speaking. ANd yet, I can barely string two coherent sentences together. Yes, there is something wrong with this world.

So the blog. It got popular and blah blah blah, it brought nothing but problems. If you only knew half of what I've been through because of my blog. No, seriously. I can't even list half of the stuff because of police involvement. No way? Yes way! Drama drama drama.

Did I bring it on myself? Well.. yes and no. I'm a pretty outspoken blogger living in a conservative as hell city. I'm also full of myself and think I'm the greatest thing since nacho cheese. And we all know that nacho cheese is pretty amazing stuff. Eh, I kid. I'm the jokester. And sometimes, people just don't get the joke.

I quickly burned out on the whole popular blog sitch. Imagine being in a buffet line at a party and hearing the people behind you discussing you- having no idea you were that person. Talking about your recent blog entry and discussing the details and speculating about you as a person. Weird stuff.

I've still got the old blog, but I don't post in it very often. I certainly don't give up as many details about myself as I once shared. I never post pics. I never share info about my whereabouts until AFTER I've been there. I make up names for my loved ones.

It's just no fun any more.

All of the problems came from locals. Doesn't shock me at all. Lots of conservative ninnies around here. Tracking down the identities of the "hatah's" also revealed all were women in their late 20s-30s. Professionals. Most married with children. I know everything about them. I could go to their places of employment and hand over files and files of info that would get them canned in seconds. But I don't. I want nothing to do with those idiots. One was a close friend. Imagine how heartbreaking it was when my husband revealed her identity. I was in tears and a friendship was ruined.

This whole blog world is something else. I've truly enjoyed blogging in this blog. Not one angry comment yet! Even my pro epidural rant didn't get any flack. Shocking! I'd say I wasn't doing my job as an A List blogger, but I've retired my A and am proud to be on the D List.

It's much safer here.

AND

As I typed this, the genetics center called with a clean bill of health for this little one. All amnio results are negative. Right on!

Have a baby, lose a tooth

2006-09-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

If it's not one thing, it's your mother. Oooh I love that expression! It SO applies to my life. Now and always. I will always have the dramatic life. Which is so wrong. I love drama when I'm on stage. I dislike drama greatly in my everyday life.

Sooooo this morning. I'm eating breakfast. La la la, chewing, munching, digesting. Oh? What's this? My front tooth appears to be ... missing? Why yes! The back half of my front tooth is entirely gone!

Did I eat it, too??

I like my food, but not THAT much.

Fortunately for me, I am friends with my dentist. I called his office and after a frantic rush to get a sitter, found out the damage.

I'm a grinder. I'm a clencher. And each time I'm pregnant, I grind and clench my way to thousands of dollars worth of dental debt. Cracked teeth. Crowns. Root canals. Oh my!

My poor wittle tooth could not stand the pressure. It buckled. It heaved. It ho-ed.

THANK GOODNESS it was an easy fix. The dentist repaired it with bonding. Awww, I had a bonding experience with my tooth. How tender.

Bonus! His office is next door to this shi shi poop a roo earring store. Got some studs for the daughter. Eh, no, not studs in the same way Johnny Depp is a stud. Studs of the fake diamond variety.

Yeah, I'm one of those insane biatches that had her kid's ears pierced at 7 months old. What was I thinking? I know, I know. She handled it well. They healed beautifully. However. A toddler is rough. She always ends up with one earring in her ear and another one buried in the dirt at the park. Cuz Mom's lazy and never removes her earrings.

Now I will. I will! I really will!

Maybe.

This next girlie is going to whine and cry and I will resist the ear piercing until she's old enough to dig up her own damn earrings out of the dirt.

Otherwise, nothing new to report. Thank goodness. This is enough. Seriously. ENOUGH!

My happy la la la update

2006-09-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hooray, no more bed rest for now!! How good did I feel going to freakin Costco today? It was like going to Hawaii. Costco? Hell yeah, I'm out of the house! I'm standing upright! ROCK ON!!

Pity the man who married me. I'm the drama queen. I'm the comedic wonder with the fast timing and odd look on the world. Imagine THAT kind of person in a tizzy over all this stress and worry. Kathy Griffin- funny when she's happy and on stage performing. Kathy Griffin knocked up, miserable, pregnancy in danger and on bed rest. OH YEAH. Gimme more of that.

And yet, I'm still married!

We saw the doc on Saturday. It was a doc filling in for my vacationing doc. My doc vacations in places like Colorado, Wyoming and New Mexico. He's outdoorsy. My doc drives a big 4x4 pickup truck. I find that odd. I always pictured him driving a vulva. Er, I mean a Volvo. I like him more knowing he drives that big ass truck. It's comforting to think of him plowing down the highway in a snow storm in all his 4x4 glory while I'm in labor.

Anyway, I think there was some miscommunicae due to all the docs who have been dealing with me lately. When I called my doc on Weds and reported the fluid leakage, he assumed my doc from the amnio place said I was leaking fluid. No, I thought I was because I was suddenly VERY aware of my vagina and it's functions. It just seemed "weepier" than usual. Buck up, buttercup!

My regular doc never tested me for fluid leakage that Weds. He just took my word and told me to go on bed rest. He did an ultrasound and it did show low fluid, but not dangerously low fluid. So maybe, just maybe this entire time I WASN'T leaking fluid at all.

Maybe my vagina, like Charlotte's vagina in SATC was just.. depressed.

The doc filling in for him on Saturday did a fluid strip test because I said, "Dammit, I don't know if this is pee of if this is goopy goo or amniotic fluid. Put me out of my misery and test the damn stuff please! " He did and it showed no amniotic fluid in the vaj jay jay whatsoever. Hah. That's the first time I've ever used that term and I doubt I will ever use it again unless I suddenly become 21 again feel the need to start up a My Space account.

My doc SHOULD have done a fluid strip test on Weds when he saw me. But I forgive him. I had five days to lay around and get a break. I haven't had any downtime since getting pregnant and I did have moments where I enjoyed all the Food Network I could handle. Still doesn't make me want to cook. I like watching other cooks. Food porn, baby. Food porn.

I did have an ultrasound on SAturday and it still showed low fluid but it also showed placenta previa. Oh lucky me. I am going to get EVERYTHING this pregnancy. See what daughters do to their mothers??? Most previas straighten out by the 3rd tri anyway. I'm not in a panic yet. But if it continues, the 3rd trimester is going to suuuuuuck. C Section? Oh crap. I'm a vagina delivery kinda gal. Hopped up on painkillers and epidurals. In a past life, I must have given birth while squatting in a field of daisies or something because the thought of a natural birth is so *wrong to me. Our foremothers suffered so we don't have to! Give me drugs, maaaaan.

* Oooh disclaimer! You choose the path that is right for you. I don't care. It's your hoo hah. Mine draws a big red circle in the international sign of NO and screams loudly, "That thing ain't coming out of ME unless you numb me first, mmmm kay Dr Mc Sparkles?

My lady parts are sassy like that.

Plus, my first and only birth was so easy and so fun. No, fun! Really! FUN! 7 hours of pain free labor followed by four pushes and she was out. Felt nothing. Now THAT is how I like to give birth.

So with my luck, the epi don't take and I'll be in hell for 36 hours plus.

My amniotic fluid is at a 7.8 and 7 is considered low and 20 is considered high for this stage. So I'm within normal range, but on the low side of normal. They don't tend to panic until you hit a 5 and usually a 2 puts you in the hospital.

I am to drink A GALLON of fluids per day to try to up the baby's amniotic fluid levels. And those fluids do not include Margaritas. Or beer. Should I just move into the bathroom? Who pees that much in a day that doesn't live in stable? Mooo Nayyyy. I'm already over this!

Oh yesssss, pregnancy. Can we find the person who drew that sappy chick on the cover of, "What to Expect When You're Expecting?" Find him/her/the Evil One and then barf on them or have them monitor cervical fluid all damn day or cover their face in acne and then lean on their back as hard as we can and make their feet swell and make them CRYYYYY.

THAT is the face of pregnancy, my darlings. There's no glowing. There's no peaceful feeling. It's nothing but panic. Sickness. Mood swings. It's 10 months of HELL. HELLLLLL.

Yeah yeah yeah in the end there is a lovely little reward. Blah blah blah.

Wake me when that reward gets here, ok?

2006-08-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

Just up for one second to give you an update. I am officially on bedrest until further notice due to amniotic fluid leakage from the amnio. My doctor was off yesterday, but came in just because he was so concerned. We had an ultrasound and some tests and the leakage is slight at this time and the baby's fluid is just a bit low but not dangerously low right now. My OB said bed rest until Saturday,then I come in for another scan and to re-evaluate. I am FREAKING OUT, of course, but following orders. My daughter is being taken care of and I am watching all the episodes of Project Runway, a show I never had a desire to see, but now am hooked.

AND....

I wanted to let you know the FISH results came back.

NORMAL!

And....

It's a girl!!! We're thrilled!!! And how nice that she will be born the same season as my other daughter. We have all the clothes, coats, shoes, girl toys, ribbons, tutus, dress up clothes. Hooray!

Ok back to bed I go. Please send healing thoughts, thank you! We've come this far. She's healthy. She cannot leave me now due to my decision to get an amnio. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything goes wrong.

BACK TO BED!

2006-08-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

This post is coming from a very freaked out emotional headspace, so please forgive me for being overly dramatic.

The amnio?

One of the worst experiences of my life.

I had gone to a site and read about 200 experiences from women who have had amnios. Most say that it feels just like the sting or when you get blood taken. I'd like to know the sizes of these women and I bet most of them are under a size 12. Because I am twice that size and it hurt worse than any pain I've ever experienced in my life. My only theory is that I have more fat layers to get through, hence, more pain to experience from the needle.

I have an extremely high pain tolerance and I was ready to black out. No, for real. THAT bad. On the drive home, my husband said, "Wow, I'm really impressed with you. You're so strong!" Yeah, well that's just being a woman!!

I also read it takes about 30 seconds. Mine took about 3 minutes. Really, not a long time. But when there's a needle in your gut, three minutes lasts forever.

The needle going in was a bee sting. Then it changed to an angry mob of bees to an angry mob of bees with machetes. Hacking away at my insides while stinging me at the same time.

The doctor had to keep pausing because it was around 1230pm and that's the baby's active time. The baby likes to dance around from 1230-2pm daily. So he'd have to pause and let the baby settle down and then keep going. Which prolonged the pain. Fun fun.

He took two vials of fluid. So he does one, pauses, changes vials and continues. All the while with the pain and the stinging and the pressure and it's just such a mind fuck in the first place. Sorry if you have delicate eyes but kinder words cannot express the menality when you're on the table and there's all the risk factors flying through your brain AND you're in that much pain.

I got up and immediately felt a rush of fluid leaking out of of the vaginal area. I was told this was normal and will have leakage all day long. Soaking a pad is bad. A pad every few hours is fine.

Time to go home and rest? No! Time for a Rogam shot, since I am a negative blood type. My husband rushed down to the hospital's pharmacy and it took over and hour to fill. I'm sitting in the exam room, shaky and leaking and just wanting to GO HOME.

Ever had a Rogam shot? It hurts. But it took my mind off the pain of the amnio.

I got home and went right to bed and the leakage slowed down. Which is good, as I was just about to call the doc who would probably tell me to head to the hospital. I plan to stay in bed again tomorrow. But if it starts up again, I'll call the doctor.

All in all, I'd tell everyone who has any sort of stomach fat to avoid an amnio. Only get one if you REALLY need peace of mind due to high risk factors. Othewise, avoid! My experience is probably not typical due to my stomach fat, but I can say with most certainty that it is much much more painful than having your blood drawn at the lab. Or a freakin bee sting.

FISH results on Weds. I will be freaking out until then. Thank goodness for my home doppler and a mother who is keeping my toddler at her place until I fully recover.

I'm in a weird headspace. I don't want to miscarry and I want the results to be perfect. And I hurt and I'm traumatized and I just want August to be over and done with.

OK! Back to bed I go! On the bright side, it's a two day break of nothing but laying on the couch and watching TV.

A letter to the IF survivors out there

2006-08-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

Many of you who read this blog have yet to officially become a parent. Maybe pregnant or in the process of adopting or still trying to get pregnant.

I thought of all of you today. I know that sounds crazy, but I did.

See, I was you a few years ago. And I remember what it felt like.

It never goes away.

It gets easier. But it never goes away.

That pain. That fear. Once an IF-er, always an IF-er.

I thought of you as I sat on my screen porch. The sun was setting and casting a glow on my little miracle's face. She looks exactly like her daddy. Oh my gosh, she is gorgeous, that kid. It's like I placed an order for the perfect little daughter and they got the order right.

She sat on my lap, facing me, and we shared a popsicle. It was her reward for pooping on the terrrrrrr-let. So does that make it a poop-sicle?

When it was all gone, she hugged me then whispered in my ear, "Mommy, you make me so happy. I'm so glad you're my mommy." Then she climed down and ran to play in her sandbox.

I sat there with tears streaming down my face. Wow, that was a moment I will never forget.

It made me think of everyone out there who will one day experience a similar moment. That moment in time when all the pain, all the suffering, all the wondering, will all be worth it.

I didn't have a baby and instantly become a mommy. Adjusting to motherhood was a slow process for me. I had 32 selfish years where I lived entirely for myself and then my husband and myself together. Adjusting to putting someone's needs first SOUNDS easy, but damn was it a tough adjustment. All that yearning, all that dreaming and there I was holding a baby and going, "Hmm... not really what I was expecting. This is really hard. I don't know if I like this."

Then came the guilt. I was an IFer. Of COURSE I was supposed to LOVE every damn second of motherhood. All those years of yearning for this baby and what the hell was I doing questioning her existance??? What kind of evil bitch was I?

I soon learned that's a normal emotion in motherhood. Especially after infertility. You build it up in your head as this dream experience and often the reality really throws you off guard. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a human mom. It's terribly overwhelming at times. Especially when you're so sleep deprived you can't even focus and the child has a fever and is screaming and won't eat and won't sleep and ... yeah...

I'm smiling because it's something every woman deserves to experience if she chooses. It made me stronger. I thought I was a tough bitch before but now- Oh honey, send me in to play for the Broncos or something. I can handle ANYTHING! Being a mom has truly made me a WOMAN.

I can't wait for you to experience this, you first time moms out there. It's so frustrating and difficult and yet so rewarding and amazing. It's hard to put it into words. Each day is a challenge and I love it.

When the sun finally set I told my daughter it was time to go inside for her bath. She threw the toy she was holding across the porch. She fell to the floor, screaming. Typical toddler meltdown. She wanted to stay outside and keep the party going. She's just like her mother. She never wants the fun to end.

I just stood there and smiled. Calm as could be, waiting for her to cry it out. I realized at that point that I'm no longer a mother. I'm a mutha. I'm a tough and strong mutha and I can handle anything.

Sorry, IF, you may have knocked me down a time or two. But in the end, I was the winner!

And soon, you will be too.

2006-08-25T12:27:00.004-07:00

Wow, what a week. What a lousy week.

This house. Oh this house. Have you ever heard someone admit they made a HUGE mistake in buying the wrong house? What a dork! What an idiot! How do you buy the wrong house? What, are you a MO-ron

Why yes, I am a MO-ron. We bought this place before we had kids. It's a great house for swingin singles or couples with no kids. But with kids- nope. Doesn't work. It's a California style house in the Midwest. Midwesterners hate this place. We can't even give this place away.

The guy who wanted to buy it this week was from California. We thought we finally lucked out. Nope. The deal fell through because he wanted to add a second story and this style house does not support such a thing. At least it wasn't because we have a crappy house. Ok, I think it's crappy but for stay at home mom reasons. I need a bigger place. I need a better school district. And I feel we are trapped here for a long damn time.

No one wants my house. Wahhhh!

Picture this. We had just been out house hunting with the realtor because we thought our house had sold, right? We found THE HOUSE. We were at home, talking about how we were going to decorate when we got the call that the deal was off.

We suck.

I keep singing like Dori does in Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!" La la la happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

The fantasies of this place getting torched to the ground while we are safely standing outside are replacing my fantasies of Johnny Depp soaping me up in the shower.

Sick and wrong, I tell ya. Sick and wrong.

I am now 15 weeks and I feel GREAT! Guess why? I saw my new OB this week. My last OB was so anti medication and... anti listening to anything I had to say, really. I have a hiatal hernia. That means my stomach is squooshed up higher than it should be. I need medication to control the acid and the pain and the digestion issues. Add pregnancy to that and I was quickly losing too much weight and puking all the damn time. The old OB said, "Take Tums." Tums are candy to me. The new OB said I can take my old prescription which is a Class B on the harmful to fetuses list. Fetuses? Feti? Fetees?

Since then, I don't puke three times a day! Yay! Altho I am getting very good at puking. I'm now an expert up-chucker. Can I get something for that? Maybe a high five from some drunken frat boys or something?

My amnio is Monday at 1130am. OHMYGOD I'm so scared I could... puke again! EEEEEEK. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

I'm not scared of needles. I was the hot 23 year old with the sexy piercings and pierced boyfriends ooh la la. I'm now the not so hot 35 year old who's afraid of fetal death and scary life crushing test results. My how things change.

OH my two point five year old. OH OH OH! She's been a challenge lately. Lots of back talk. Lots of not listening. And she loves to argue. Over anything. Just so she can hear herself fight with me. Example:

Instead of toilet, she says terlet. I tell her we are not redneck bumpkins, we say toilet. She will put her hands on her hips and say:
Her: Terlet!
Me: TOI-let
Her: Terrrrrr-let
Me: TOI-let
Her: Terrrrrrrrrr-let
Me: Terrrrrr-let
Her: TOILET!
Me: What's that?
Her: TOI-let, mommy! It's a TOI-let!
Me: I thought so!
Her: Terrrrrrr-let!

This also came from her mouth today:
Her: Mommy, is it winter?
Me: Nope, still summer. Why do you ask?
Her: Because in winter time, my little butt will get cold.
Me: Well, I know a good solution. Keep your pants on when it's cold.
Her: Yeah, we don't want my little butt to get cold!
Me: Nothing worse than a chilly butt!
Her: Hahahaha yeah, chilly butt! That's funny! Chilly butt! Hahaha.

Yes, we are an informal family. How can you tell? See, that's what happens when one person works in the entertainment industry. The kids turn out all crazy, too.

Just how I like them!!

2006-08-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

Nope. The deal was killed. The buyer walked away based on the inspection report. We get it today and will find out why. With almost everything updated in here, we are wondering what the hell went wrong.

I'm scared now because bad things happen in threes for me.

First the bad test news. Then the bad news about the house. Monday is the amnio. Please tell me everything will be ok.

August has sucked. Please let September be better.

2006-08-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted but I think someone bought our house! If it passes inspection with little issues, then it's sold and we have 2.5 weeks to find a new place. A quick closing! I will be back once I know more. WHeeee!

2006-08-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the comments on my previous post! It made me feel so much better. Blogger only showed them after I published this one. So I wanted to come here and give you all a shout out. Ok, back to my original post...

I took the weekend to cry, get angry, cry some more, and then finally found some peace. It's just a set of numbers. It means nothing right now except we need that amnio to be sure.

I won't even let my mind go there. I can't. I have to hold it together for my daughter and our family and my career and everything else that keeps on happening even tho my world might be falling apart.

It's just a set of numbers.

I just wish the genetic counselor didn't sound so grim when giving them to me.

I mean, it wasn't like she said 1 in ten. Or 1 in five. 1 in 129 is bad, but it could be worse.

And those tests are wrong all the time! Or they give you grim numbers and everything is fine!

But then I went to a support website where the numbers were bad and so were the amnio results. I should NOT have gone there. Nope. Must stay away from those sites unless needed.

Tuesday we meet with the new OB and get his opinion. I wish I could do another blood test. Something! Anything to ease my mind before Monday and the long wait to get results after that. How on earth do I get another 2ww???? I thought I was done with 2 week waits. And hey.. here's another. Ooh lucky me.

While this was happening, we got a call for a showing. 15 mins to get the house ready and get us out the door. Exhausting! And no offer, of course. I'm so sick of the home selling process. Oh to live in an area that can still sell a house minutes after it's listed. Not here! We sold our last house in under a week. But that was in a hot area of the country. This is not. It's been almost three months and only three showings and zero offers. I'd love to be out of this place. My career demands a bigger place. Wish I could tell you why. Ugh, those damn privacy issues. But I need a "space" and this house is out of space.

I'm down. I don't mean to be such a bummer, but I'm so very down. The puking continues. The fatigue rages on. And I try to smile and carry on.

Back when I had the last miscarriage, I was headed to the RE's office for a final scan. That scan would determine if everything was over or not. As I was getting into the Sensible Mommy Van, a little voice inside my head gave me a message. Do you get those? I know it sounds like I'm off my rocker. Women's intuition? Or am I psycho. I mean psychic?

The voice said, "Not this one. But the next baby will be born healthy and just fine. Let this one go."

Ok.. what the hell? I remember standing in my garage with the keys in my hand and going, "Huh? Wha? Am I on hidden camera?"

It was almost as if someone whispered those words in my ear.

And we all know what happened. THe scan revealed the baby did not make it.

My inner voice can't be wrong. Unless it was drunk. And I don't think my inner voice drinks. My inner ears- yes they are often drunk because I get dizzy a lot. But my inner voice?

If you can't trust your inner voice, what can you trust???

I'll post after my new OB visit tomorrow.

2006-08-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

My results from the First Look are not good.

My risk for Down's went from 1 in 244
to
1 in 129

The trisomy screen was fine 1 in 9100.

I don't know what to think.

We have opted for the amnio on the 28th.

I cannot believe four weeks until we know results. One week to Amnio. And then two weeks after that.

How am I going to process all of this???

Any insights for me? I am just ... startled. I assumed it would be fine.

2006-08-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Helloooo! Keep the comments coming. I love them. I wish I had time to either comment back or comment in your blogs, but I only have enough time to sit here and write to you this way. I do read your blogs and love following your journey to motherhood. Awww, that was sappy. Did you feel the love?

I had my appt at the genetics center today. I guess it's called the First Trimester First Look? Even tho I am now 14 weeks, they were able to perform the tests.

Had some blood taken and then an ultrasound. Ultrasound looked good. No obvious problems. I will get the blood results on Monday and can make a decision regarding amnio from there.

Heart rate was 175. Ok, who out there buys into the heart rate predicting sex? Is that true? It was true for my daughter. Oooh I'd love another little girl. Either way, I was happy to see that crazy little baby on the screen. Jumping around, waving, chewing on the hand. When the doctor slapped my stomach to get the baby to jump for one of her measurements, the baby protested! The little mouth opened and closed rapidly. It looked like the baby was speaking his/her mind.

Did you know I have three blogs? This one that only you know about- none of my friends or family know this URL. One just for friends and family and it's private and gives great details about our lives. And one that I write as a sort of a kind of a character. The larger than life version of me. She's very sassy and doesn't watch her mouth. It's a lot of fun. ANd NOW you see why I have such little time to make comments? Yeah, I need a life. But it's FUUUUN and it keeps me entertained.

And really, that's all that matters.

OK!

2006-08-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I had my 14 week checkup today.

It started badly.

My OB's office is in a hospital and parking is.. typical.. for a hospital. However, today I found a coveted outdoor space right by the front door. Oooh ahhh! A couple was leaving and I just sat in my car with my blinker on and waited for them to climb into their car and drive away.

I wasn't waiting long. And I knew I wasn' t blocking anyone, because I checked to make sure there were no back up lights or people ready to leave.

That's when this frumpy middle aged woman knocked angrily on my passenger side window. I opened the window and she shouted, yes SHOUTED, "Could you move your car? You're blocking this poor woman who wants to leave!!!" And with a huff, she turned and got into her own car.

What poor woman?

I had been there less than one minute and had not seen ANY woman.

Apparently, there was a lady in her SUV, reading or talking on her phone or god knows what behind tinted windows. As soon as I pulled my car behind hers, she decided to wake up and leave.

But what got to me was how ANGRY the woman was who informed me of such a TRAGEDY! She was furious, I mean FURIOUS with me. And she wasn't even her passenger!

Aren't people just the oddest things?

So then I get upstairs to my appointment and the gal at the front desk is just baffled when I give my name. "No, you don't have an appointment today." Yes... I do! She asked if I still had the appointment card in my purse. Thank goodness I did, because she did not believe me. I whipped that sucka out and showed it to her and she said, "Huh. Guess we forgot to write that down. Let me see if I can work you in."

And they did. Which is good, becuase this hospital is not a quick drive from home. But it's a good hospital and I don't mind the commute.

The visit lasted five mins, maybe. Listen to the heartbeat. How am I doing? Down four pounds! Yeah, I'm puking constantly. And OH, can I have an ultrasound and blood work instead of the amnio???

The doc seemed a little shocked by this. He said the amnio risks were so low, why not just do the amnio???

I'm not comfy with him and his pushing for the amnio.

I wonder if it's because a new genetic center moved right next door and they are needing business from him? It's so odd.

But I held my ground and am getting the ultrasound/blood work first. THen the amnio if those results are not good ones.

Does this make sense? I just don't get WHY he's pushing so hard. Yeah, I'm 35. But can't we have a looksee with the ultrasound and bloodwork first???

It almost makes me wonder if I am going to the right doctor?

2006-08-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Almost two weeks of the potty training and we're almost there. No accidents all day and she is now asking to use the toilet. WOO!

I am now 13 weeks and sicker than ever. More tired and sicker than ever. Oh please don't hurt yourself from all that envy. I know my puking 24/7 gives me rock star status. *Snort.*

I'm not feeling very sexy right now.

OB Appointment on Monday. Cannot wait to see how we are doing.

Amio later in the month. Terrified!!

Yes this is a short post because.. you guessed it.. time to yarf again.

2006-08-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

We're potty training! Yay. Rah. Phht.

It' s one of those stages of motherhood that I was not looking forward to and it's just as bad as I imagined.

I went straight to undies and I am using a mini toilet seat on top of our regular toilet seat. I figure there are less steps to re-train that way.

It's day 3. Only two pee accidents. I set a timer for every hour and when she hears the bell, she rushes to the toilet. Pavlovian? Oh god, will my kid have the urge to pee each time she hears a bell ringing? Every time a bell rings, an angel uses the potty?

We use diapers for naps and overnight. She isn't pleased. She loves her big girl undies. They are a fashion statement. My 2.5 year old is alllll about the fashion statements. Already. We are SO in trouble when she's 12.

Here's what I dread the most. The public toilets. My sense of smell right now- let me just say that I dread using public toilets. I cannot imagine squatting down and holding her over a public toilet and breathing in those lovely smells while surrounded by germs. Pregnancy has made me oh so weird. We have a portable toilet seat thingie, but then I'd have to remove it, spray it down and tuck it inside my bag. Ick.

It's 129 million degrees again this week. We are staying indoors. So it's a good time to do this potty training thing.

Anyone else getting more tired and more sick??? What is up with that? 12 weeks tomorrow and it's getting harder to hold down food. Plus, 9 hours of sleep a night still isn't enough. I'm beat. I have a gloriously wonderful husband who does night duty so I can sleep all night and not have to wake up with a crazy toddler. I am lucky. And I know it. You won't see me posting on True Wife Confessions. I have nothing to confess. Except good stuff. And I think some people find the good stuff to be annoying.

The nausea! The fatigue! I must go lay down now. Do children really give up naps at age 3? Oh tell me it isn't true! I love nap time.

2006-07-31T07:26:00.000-07:00

Did you hear that sound? The sound of angels singing?

We had sex.

First time since this baby was conceived.

I was on "rest" for the first few weeks.

This weekend, I could rest no longer.

WOW, my libido has been kicked into overdrive.

My last pregnancies- stay away!!! But this one- COME HERE!

The last two were girls. Hmm.. maybe this is a boy?

It was pain free and no complications. In fact, I want more.

Oh, there's no such thing as TMI around here.

Besides, you like TMI! I know you do.

WOOHOO! I got some!

2006-07-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to Dee, who is reading this blog- I find that I cannot find the HB on the doppler when I am tense. And the longer it takes to find, the more tense I become. When I'm relaxed, alone in the room, and not expecting anything, THERE IT IS! Funny how that works!

Ugh, so sorry I've not been updating! I live in an area that was hit by storms and a massive power outage.

We got hit on Weds. I was alone in the house with my daughter. Husband was at the store. We peeked out the window and saw the trees bending dangerously in the high winds. I grabbed my little girl and headed to the back windows for another view. That's when I saw our neighbor's roof lift off into the air. Honestly, no idea a storm was coming. It shocked the entire city. It came in from the north, and our storms always come in from the west. That's why we got such a severe storm with little to no warning and massive damage.

Thankfully, our home was just fine! The street behind us was torn up from downed oak trees. Smashed parked cars and lots of roof damage.

About an hour later, our power went out. It was currently hot and humid and very still. We opened windows, but that did not help. We tried to find a hotel room but they were all sold out in our area due to a convention in town. So we decided to stay home and attempt to sleep in the heat.

It was a nightmare. Being so hormonal and so sensitive to heat, I was up all night. I tried everything to cool down. Nothing worked. I finally gave up and waited for the sun to come up so I could start making calls to find a place to go.

A relative had power, so I was able to get a few hours of sleep while my husband watched our daughter. Men! They sleep through anything!!

We then checked into a hotel. One of the last available ones in our area due to 500 thousand people being without power!!

The next day, my mother's power was on, so we moved into her place for three more days. We'd come home to air out our house and check on things. Our main concern was looting. The streets were so dark and we had to leave windows open for the cats. Thankfully, our house stayed below what the humane society warned would be too hot for house cats. Otherwise, the humane society was taking animals in for free boarding to help save their lives. OH, this was all happening during a heat wave of 112 degrees, no lie!

WHen you're pregnant, you nest. I had no nest. I was so out of it for those days. Just wanting to go home and restock the fridge and move on with life. Oh yeah- we had to throw away hundreds of dollars worth of food.

We finally went home to check on the cats again one evening. While there, the power came on. My husband and I shrieked like loons. We were SO relieved.

As I type this, many homes are STILL without power. Imagine an entire week in these temperatures and NO POWER. The city did a great job providing meals and cooling stations for people. The National Guard is here to help. Many streets and parks look like a bomb went off.

Kind of makes me want to pack up and head for safer areas!! But hey, it's cheap to live here. And a great place to raise a family. When there aren't storms that knock out power for four days or longer.

One thing I AM going to buy. A battery operated fan. Would have made all the difference in the world that first night. A generator would be nice, but they are a bit pricey for the budget right now.

Otherwise, just living life, now that it is back to normal again. Ahhh normal life. So nice.

ALL the books and ALL the doctors say that if you are heavy, you won't feel the baby moving for a looong time because of the fat. Hey, guess what? I've got a little once dancing around right now. It's NOT GAS. I know this feeling. It's allll baby. So screw the experts! AND I can get the hb on the doppler and was told it would be long after 12 weeks or more. Take that! Fat is where it's at.

For now.

BUt once that baby comes, it's diet diet diet diet diet.

Sigh.

Alrighty then. Back to normal life I go. And gladly so.

10w and heartbeat on the home doppler

2006-07-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

WOOHOOO!!!!

10 weeks today and I decided to give it one last try on the home doppler. And there it was- wooshwooshwooshwoosh. The heart beat! If I moved the wand slightly, I heard mine. Over just a smidge and there it was. So faint, yet there!

Ahhh.

My rental is 21 dollars per month and I think money well spent.

2006-07-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Hello my online friends. You are the only ones to know about this blog. I didn't even tell my in-person friends about this place. I feel this is a place to be shared by us- moms to be and those that love reading their blogs.

My posts are going to be so jumbled. Grammar, spelling, punctuation be damned! It's a freakin blog, not a thesis. I really hate the English Police of the Blog World. Chill, dude. It's. Just. A. Blog.

SOOOO 10 weeks today. I had my first OB appointment yesterday. It's not the OB who delivered my daughter. I had raging postpartum depression after she was born and I felt he didn't deal with it properly. His response? "YOu seemed pretty manic during the pregnancy, so I kind of expected this might happen."

Yeah.. and... you never DID anything about it? Never suggested that I watch myself closely? Maybe suggest medication? Give me some warning signs? NOTHING???

And when I came to him, seeing double and unable to form any sentences except, "I want to die," he said, "I'm not a psychiatrist. "

That's why I switched.

The new OB is more formal, but just as friendly. The office is very upscale-ish, if that makes sense. Whereas the former OB's office was always filled with... hmm... how do I put this? People who frightened me. The loud cell phone calls where the women would be screaming and cursing at their boyfriends. Drunken boyfriends in the waiting room, passing out and snoring and filling the room with the lovely scent of whiskey. Pregnant teens and their 15 other kids running rampant around the room. Not really my kind of people.

At the current OB's office, there's people from all backgrounds, but they sit nicely and read magazines. They have quiet conversations on their cells. No one is threatening bodily harm to anyone else. I like that.

The current OB is a bouncy little guy, maybe mid 50s? And he leaves almost every decision up to me with no lectures. Tests? Your choice. Breastfeeding? No lectures on my decision. Which is NO, by the way. Because when someone had PPD as badly as I did- drifting into postpartum psychosis and wanting to kill herself, then it's imperative I get my hormones back to normal as soon as possible. I DON'T want to battle the Boob Natzis over this, either. If any of them give me shit, I am going to go postal. I mean it. THEY did not go through the hell I went through. THEY have no room to lecture me on this topic. Case closed.

My new OB said he will treat me in the hospital for PPD just as a precaution. See, that's how it should be done.

I had to make a big decision. Genetic testing. I'm 35. I've had a miscarriage due to a genetic issue. It's STRONGLY suggested I get a test. But which one? That's up to me.

After weighing our options, Husband and I agreed to skip the CVS and go for Amnio instead. NOt that I'm going to RAH RAH RAH over amnio, but CVS just scared the crap out of me.

After time in his office, we moved to the ultrasound room where he performed the ultrasound. Saw the heartbeat, and the baby is measuring perfectly.

How odd. The doctor asked before we walked into the room and again just before he performed the ultrasound if I had told anyone yet.

Why did he ask that? Twice?

I can usually figure these things out, but I was baffled.

Did he ask because he wanted to know if I had anyone to call should the news be bad? Should we not see a heartbeat? Did he think we wouldn't see one? If you have any insights, leave me a post! Thankya.

Then they took blood for the usual tests and I was told to come back in one month.

I STILL cannot pick up that baby's HB on the home doppler. It's gotta be the fat. Stupid fat. Oh, it's going away once I deliver. It's finally time to lose it! We will be done with having babies, done with fertility treamtent, and there will be no more drugs keeping the pounds on. I MEAN IT!!!

It's interesting to read the blogs out there from women who are pregnant after IF. Watching them deal with the conflicting emotions. Honey, if that's you reading this, hang in there. It SUUUUCKS. And it gets worse before it gets better.

That was me three years ago. I was PRESIDENT of the local infertility support group chapter. I stepped down because I was made to feel so awkward when I finally did get pregnant AFTER FOUR YEARS. I mean, we all know eventually SOMEONE in the group will get pregnant and have a baby. But the vibes when it happened were dark and destructive. I lost almost every friend I had. Their choice. Most of my friends could not handle seeing me get pregnant. Even tho I played it cool, and respected their feelings, it was just too much. And while I tried to understand, I was also so hurt. Pregnancy after IF is NOT an easy journey.

So when I was going through all of this, and feeling guilty and scared, I only had my husband. And it remained that way until about 1 year after my daughter was born. I finally reached out to non IF groups. Mom groups. Places where no one knew my history. I was just a woman who had a baby. ANd man, did that feel good.

I still have those friends today. They don't really "get" why I am so over the moon for this pregnancy. They don't "get" how the emotions of IF and miscarriage work. But they try. THey really try.

I find it funny that I get more support from the non IF crowd than I did from the IF crowd.

ANyway, I'm babbling, as per usual.

10 weeks! 800mgs of progesterone a day. And a lot of hope!

Too soon

2006-07-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Too soon for the doppler. The massive amounts of stomach fat isn't helping, either! Yeah, I'm a big girl! Someone this fabulous needs to be big. More for the world to adore!

Yeah, just keep telling yourself that Fattie McFat Fat...

I did hear a lot of wooshing and swooshing. Either that was baby or the spaghettios I was digesting from lunch. Canned Italian food. MMM.

I can't believe the amount of blogs out there. I started blogging back in the days when the webcam phase died and people were looking for the next big thing. Now we have blogs. Will they go the way of the webcam?

I suffered for you new bloggers out there. Oh the stories I could tell. Stories of stalkers. Stories of hackers. Stories of media attention. Which brought about the stalkers and hackers. Friendships gained and friendships lost. No, really, I've been there, done that, crashed the whole damn internet. I am battered and bruised so you can enjoy your blogging freedoms.

I need a day dedicated to honor me.

Thus, this somewhat anonymous pregnancy blog. The "other" blog is just not the place for this anymore.

No clue what brought THAT on. The great thing about pregnancy is that you can blame everything on it. Gas? Pregnancy! Mood swings? Pregnancy! Slurping up Spaghettios like you haven't eaten in days? Pregnancy!

Crazy rants on the internet?

Pregnancy! But of course!

;)

NO!!

2006-07-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

The clinic called today. Yesterday's blood test revealed low progesterone. I take pills 3x daily, but it might not be enough. My level should have been around 30. It was 20. I was told to up my doseage to 4x per day and re-test on Friday.

I am FREAKING OUT. I KNEW I wasn't feeling any symptoms and it's no wonder with low progesterone.

Everything I've read says that it could signal an impending miscarriage. Tell me that's not true.

The doppler should arrive on Weds. I just need some peace of mind right now.

Friday afternoon is a long ways away.

Why does this have to be so hard???

It's a baby!

2006-07-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

8w5d and the ultrasound was perfect! The nurses say it looks like a little Teddy Graham. I say it looks just like the little babies that they put in those cakes in New Orleans. What are those called? I'm drawing a blank.

There was a head and little body. Arm buds. Leg buds. A spine. The baby moved a bit and there was the woosh of the teeny umbillical cord. Awww, umbillical cord. I sure hope that baby likes nachos.

I then met with the RE. I'm used to walking into his office and having his face light up with joy. However, he lost his son a few months ago in an accident. All the joy is gone from his eyes. I wanted to cry. I had to hold it together so I didn't embarass him or myself. It was my first time seeing him since the accident.

We said our goodbyes with a warning that I still have an ovarian cyst and it's growing. Have the OBGYN monitor that, please. I said I'll be seeing him next Monday.

And now, I am going to order a fetal doppler.

And I'm also going to not freak out just yet about all the tests yet to come. Since I'm 35 years old... ANCIENT, I tell you, I will get that amnio done. I thrive on information.

I'd be a lot happier if my head wasn't pounding. Nothing kills a headache like Advil. Tylenol, it's bastard cousin, is just too tame. Oh well, the Bastard Counsin it is.

Ultrasound

2006-07-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

My 9 week ultrasound is Monday afternoon. I am feeling positively not pregnant one bit. All symptoms- gone.

I'm very scared.

I'll post Monday evening.

Looney Toonie

2006-07-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy after a loss is a real bitch.

Every five minutes-

I don't feel pregnant! OH MY GOD I DON'T FEEL PREGNANT!!!

*boobs start throbbing.*

Ok! That's a pregnant feeling!

Or is it just the PROGESTERONE PILLS?

OH MY GOD I DON'T FEEL PREGNANT!!!!!

I'm driving myself bonkers over here, people.

2006-07-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

I had to go through the closet and divide up my pants. The thin pants were put to the back. The fat pants were moved forward. The maternity pants were moved out of storage and are sitting next to the fat pants.

Then I put on the fat pants and went about my day. By 330pm, the fat pants came off and the maternity pants were put on.

Already???

I'm just 8 weeks along.

Is this normal?

Party!

2006-07-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

KABOOM!

That's the sound I hear as I type this blog entry. It's the 4th of July. It's also our 8th wedding anniversary. Aaaaand our 8th week of pregnancy. Ta-DOW!

We celebrated by having a back yard BBQ with my mother, her boyfriend, and our best guy friend. They and my husband all had birthdays in the past few days. It's tradition each year to have a celebration for EVERYTHING on the 4th. This is the first year the mother's boyfriend was included because... oh yeah! We didn't even know him last year!

Little did I know my mother would announce that her boyfriend proposed and she accepted! They are both 73 years old. Imagine finding love at age 73. I'm thrilled for them. A bit overwhelmed, but also relieved. We should all be so lucky to live out our golden years with the one we love.

Then the phone rang and it was another friend, announcing that he proposed to his girlfriend, she accepted, and they'd be married in a week because they are moving to China in a month for a new job.

Um... can we slow down on the big news for a second guys? I'm having a hard time digesting my lunch!

Oh and lunch was good. How many of you are craving MEAT right now? MEAAAAAT (said with a deep and booming voice!) BBQ hamburgers. Oh man. Meat and tangy sauce. If it's not meat, it's vinegar, baby. OH yeah!

Our guy friend's contribution is always a birthday cake. He tries to get each sentiment we are celebrating onto the cake. Four birthdays, an anniversary, the pregnancy, a hello to my daughter, and then he adds something really odd to the mix just to mess with us. This year he was wishing well the cat we had to get rid of due to biting our daughter. My friend is an odd duck. Unfortunately, he got chocolate chocolate. The woman who is the biggest choco-holic on earth is now off chocolate with the pregnancy. I looked at the cake and wished it was white on white. Silly aversions!

We set off confetti poppers in the back yard, making much noise and delighting my little girl. Then we came inside and she climbed onto her play table and serenaded us with her "Magic Flute." Such the performer. Takes after her mother. The poor dear.

I swear I am feeling fluttering in the uterus. With my daughter, I swore it was gas. But this feels JUST LIKE when she moved around in the 2nd trimester. It's so early! It can't be! But it feels just like that sensation. Like butterfiles floating around. Gas is more like a herd of buffalo stampeding across the open plains.

I hope you had a magical 4th, too.

First entry!

2006-06-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Prego-Land.

I just started this blog after finding a list of other due in Feb, 2007 bloggers. Never one to be left out of the party, I quickly signed up for this here blog.

Let me catch you up on things.

We are a couple in our mid 30s in the boring old middle section of the country. Great place to raise a family. Cheap housing. But damn, the people can be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly conservative and boring.

We are not.

We are very outgoing and crazy and fun. Yet responsible and together. I think we're the perfect couple. Couple of idiots!! Eh, what can you do? We live life to its fullest.

It took 4 years and numerous doctors before finding the gem of a doctor that discovered our infertility problem. After 3 months of treatment with him, our daughter was conceived. She was an IUI baby. She is now 2.5 years old and wow is she a character. Smart! And has such a sense of comedic timing, that girl. Even at her young age. Just gorgeous, too. Hey, think I'm a little biased or what???

A year later, I had another IUI. It didn't work. Went in for my next IUI and was told I wasn't going to ovulate. Luckily we DTD on our own because two weeks later I was pregnant. That egg popped out earlier than expected! That pregnancy ended in a loss. I needed a D and C at 8 weeks due to a genetic issue. Testing showed a problem in the 21st chromosome and that it was a girl.

We turned to adoption and actually got so far as to submit our profile when the program began to suffer from problems. We were told we'd have quite a long delay. So we decided for one last round of fertility treatment, since we're not getting any younger.

This time, it didn't go so well. Six months later, I was told I needed surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, which was probably blocking ovulation. I decided to take a one month break and go on a cruise with the family.

We went on a cruise. INCREDIBLE! What service! What pampering! We were so glad to take the month off of fertility treatment and delay the ovarian surgery.

Two weeks after getting back and no period. I'm thinking, "Oh, can you imagine if I got pregnant ON THE CRUISE! How damn stereotypical! Couple in the process of adopting and with fertility issues goes on a cruise and gets knocked up."

I had a blood test, since home tests are never reliable for me. Negative. DAMMIT! Then another week goes by. I am really pissed at this point because the longer my period is delayed, the longer I have to delay that ovarian surgery. COME ON PERIOD!

Frustrated, I took a home pregnancy test a friend gave to me. She told me the batch of tests she bought are always lucky and have been positive for her and all of her friends. I took it and set it on the counter. Then I went to get breakfast. Played with my daughter. Then I remembered the test.

I went into the bathroom and looked at the counter.

HUH???

Two lines????

But the blood test was negative.

Ahhh but that was a week ago.

That little sucker took its sweet time to implant!!

And I had been spotting, too! Just days before! Must have been that rumored implantation spotting I always read about in the TTC forums.

I called the clinic and had another blood test. It was indeed positive. WOW. The Disney cruise was very magical in so many ways!

I'm now 7 weeks as I write this. We saw the heartbeat five days ago. We've had three ultrasounds so far. The first was the general 5 week ultrasound to check for a sac. The next one came a few days later after some bleeding. That gets us to here. OH, when you have fertility treatment, they do TONS of testing on you, even when you get pregnant. Early ultrasounds, the whole deal. I love it! I cannot imagine waiting until 8 weeks to have an exam. I'm spoiled by the fertility clinic!

I'm excited to be here. I'm scared. Ok, I'm terrified. I want this to work out so much. I am taking it day by day. I have PCOS so the miscarriage rate is high. I'm just so grateful to even be this far.

Join me on this journey, will you?